I wrote this as a Facebook status update and it ended up wildly popular, so I am reposting it here. Happy Judgment-Free Friday!
A Guide for Men on Online Dating Sites:
1. Most of the women on online dating sites are there for the same reason you are, i.e.
(i) we spend 12 hours a day at work;
(ii) There's no one at our workplaces worth dating.
2. Please sort out your emotional baggage before attempting to date again. Too many of you are just overgrown children and needy, emo wusses.
3. If you use the picture of a movie character, superhero, football star or sports car (almost certainly not yours) as your profile picture, we're going to assume you are 11 years old. No right swipes for you.
4. If you use your vacation photo as your profile picture but you are not in the picture, we're going to assume you are not only unattractive but also decidedly creepy. No right swipes for you.
5. If you use a group photo as your profile photo, we are going to decide that our days of doing multiple choice test papers are over, a guessing game isn't as much fun as you thought it would be for us, and we are going to guess that you are the plainest-looking member of the group. You know, the sloppily-dressed one with the man-boobs. No right swipes for you.
6. If you describe yourself in your profile description as a god-fearing, god-loving divorcee or widower who is seeking 'true love' and is not looking for a hookup, we will know right away that you are a scammer. Stay the hell away. We have no money. If you call us with the same insipid sob story that you are now stranded at the airport with a hefty immigration fine to pay, we'll just ask you to call your employers or embassy.
7. If your profile photo is your national ID or passport photo, we're going to point and laugh at you and then swipe left. Sorry, mate, this isn't a job interview and your profile is not supposed to be your CV.
8. Everybody likes good food, wine and travelling. So you're not such a special little snowflake after all. And half of you who claim to like hiking haven't even gone anywhere near an unpaved trail in the last 6 months.
9. If you claim you like reading but can't list the last 5 books you read with sufficient conviction, we're going to assume that your actual hobby is Facebook-stalking your ex.
10. Half of you who claim to have a sense of humour are nervous as heck on your first dates and could not make anyone laugh. Listen, buddy, let us be the judge of whether you are a funny dude, okay?
11. If you can't spell or construct a sentence properly, we know you won't be able to choose a wine, tip a waiter or valet or unzip an evening gown either. No right swipes for you.
12. We know why you ghost women you've been chatting with. Because you've just matched with another woman who is more attractive and more available at the moment. It's okay, this is an online dating site, we understand there is no obligation and a 30-minute conversation does not a relationship make, but ghosting someone is just a really tacky, cowardly, irresponsible thing to do. Be an adult. Say goodbye properly. "I'm sorry but I don't think this will ever work out, you being a Man Utd fan and all. I wish you all the best." There, that wasn't so hard, was it?